The past five days I spent my time on the beautiful beaches of Nosara in Costa Rica. There, I learnt how to surf and despite my inability to swim, I found that I quite enjoyed it. It’s funny because I’ve always loved being in the water, but for some reason never had to opportunity to learn how to master or overcome it. Having the beach so close by, I couldn’t help but spend time there and take time to jump some waves and swallow some nice salty water, right?
It was during our second last night that there was a bonfire at the beach and I drifted to the side with a group and stared at the moon that was bright enough for me to see what I was surrounded by. But the more i stared up, the more I saw waves. I felt them and I couldn’t get the thought of being in the water out of my silly head. Below, is something I wrote on the bus ride back to the Cloud Forest up in Monteverde. What originally was supposed to be a poem turned into this style of writing that I only learnt of a year ago. This thing called ‘stream of consciousness’ writing that came up in English class while we studied Ginsberg who was quite a character and really didn’t care about anything anyone thought. Anyways there’s my introspective piece after a little trip to the beach with some pretty incredible people :)
I see waves.
I see waves when I gaze into the night sky
I see waves when I close my own eyes
I see waves and I don’t even know why
For someone who can’t swim
I find myself in water quite often
It gives me the gift of presence the absence of which gives way to sadness
As I see waves
Gently building up
creating little caves
Flowing through me
I struggle to stay afloat
I struggle for air
And then I realize the essence of life through the presence of my being
As I stand on the tips of my toes keeping my nose on the surface of the liquid that might be the end of me the impermanence of that which is life strikes me like thunder sending chills through the bones that hold me together spreading goosebumps across the skin that stretches to cover every part of my body. I’m alive and I’m so very lucky to be. But to be alive in the ocean with a Bhutanese soul so far away from home. Sometimes confused by the expectations I set for myself how will I ever understand the demands of others and whether or not they need to be met. Where will I find happiness in my heart that will stay? I love my life and the insides of my core will fight if any part of me disagrees till opinions are changed and I am grateful for the life I have and the fortune that I have found. The treasures in life will never be gold or silver but the smiles that spread across faces across the land and across the ocean when hearts are warm but sadness is around and everything balances out.
There are moments in time when I struggle to understand life. But then I realize that the eyes I look into when I’m sad as they shine with good intentions to make me smile, maybe life is not meant to be understood. It’s meant to be lived. Whole heartedly. Like the world could end any second like you are being beckoned by the wind and earth and the trees are calling your name because we are all the same.
You can talk about love and hurt but you’ll never understand if you’ve never felt it. And maybe you can’t understand life if you can’t feel it. Maybe you need to say it’s okay when you’re down because you know that you’re not underground, that you will be found. You don’t have to be different and you don’t have to be the same. Be who you are and the right people will love you and your journey can be the best you’ve ever had.